In an hour I go to the hospital for my second brain surgery and it feels super surreal to write that. I wanted to post a quick blog before I go to say thank you to everyone who is praying and who has been supporting us. We can feel your love and the community surrounding us!
I spent this past week with 30+ students from Gator Wesley touring around the state of Florida doing our Spring Tour – singing, dancing, rocking out, reading scripture and so much more. There’s a song that they sing in one of the sets (and I love the mash up that they do) called “Set a Fire” by United Pursuit Band and one of the lines says, “There’s no place I’d rather be…but here in Your love…” I’ve felt that from each of you.
Campus ministry is this crazy special place where things intersect – struggles, fears, hopes, dreams, silly Vine videos, lots of laughter, and experiences that both challenge and inspire. The students this week have inspired the heck out of me. I’ve been ministered to in their music and their passion and their faith, and even more than that in their zest for life! There weren’t many stops during this tour where I didn’t feel moved in some way and though I couldn’t figure out how to share that with them without becoming a blubbering hot mess, I want to let them know how special this week was for me. Even the trampolines. And the cold water of the spring when knocked off a raft.
Two of the songs that they’ve been singing are two favorites of mine that I’ve been holding dear over the past few weeks. They didn’t know that when they picked the songs how much they have been resonating with me and yet again, I know that God is weaving all of this together in mighty ways. The first is Meredith Andrews’ “Not for a Moment.”
These have been the songs of my heart. Worship taps into a place that breaks down the barriers that we place. It digs in between the walls that we’ve built to protect ourselves and the layers of stress and muck that this world provides. May the scales on our hearts and our eyes be removed that we may see God more clearly and know God more fully, as God draws us to God’s self. I know that no matter what happens today, I know that I am God’s and God is ever in the midst working things together for good.
Y’all have humbled me speechless with all of your texts, facebook messages, tweets, and cards and I hope that each of you feels the love, hugs, fist pumps, and high fives that we have for you! Thanks for being on this journey with me.
I am obsessed with the “Fun.” CD right now. If you’ve been in my office or walked by my office in the past week you know that I’ve been listening to it almost constantly. There are several things that I like about it and there are many a time that I’d like to play one of the songs in worship, but the lyrics aren’t the most “clean” shall we say. However, as Jon wisely pointed out, our lives are often not all that clean. They’re often pretty dirty and gritty and not quite what we want to show to the world. Tonight is Maundy Thursday – in other words – the night that Jesus had his “Last Supper” with his disciples. He knew that some crazy stuff was going to go down in the coming days but he shared a last meal with those who he loved the most. Things weren’t going to be all rainbows and rose-colored glasses, it was going to get pretty real, real quick – with ears being cut off, betrayal, cock crows, whipping, a crown of thorns, crucifixion. It’s not the glamorized view. It’s reality. May we find God not just in the beautiful and in the high points of our lives, but also in the midst of the struggles and the confusion. May we remember during this Easter season that it’s not just about Easter Sunday in all of its glory, but that these days leading up to it, happen as well – days that feel dark and hopeless, days when it feels like we’re alone. May we fully feel that so that we know the true power of the resurrection that’s coming!
I’ve just gotten into using Pandora. I don’t know what the difference is between the things that I’ll jump on the bandwagon for and the things that I won’t. Some of them that I’ve just started – itunes (I’ve always liked actual CD’s – call me crazy), instagram (no idea yet), or even Words with Friends (the students have me playing it, but I’m absolutely terrible.) Maybe I wait and see if it will catch on (still waiting on Google+) or more than likely, I wait until I have some free time to try it out and it’s easy to access. I still haven’t figured out the “cool” Pandora play lists yet, but I have a couple that I love and regularly jam to. The thing that I’ve noticed more than anything is how long it takes me to realize that the music has stopped. You see, if you listen long enough, or if you like me listens while you work, eventually the music is going to stop and you’ll click on the box and you’ll see a message that inquires whether you’re still listening or not. There are some days when I immediately notice, whoa, whoa, whoa, the music has stopped. There are other days when I’m running a bit more on the ragged side or if I’m deep in thought or a project and I finally realize it but can’t remember where along the way it stopped.
Yesterday, for the first time in many, many years, Mike and I worshiped together at a local church. Neither of us responsible for any part of the service. No preaching, speaking, singing, playing the piano, announcements…nothing. Several things struck me all at once. One, I was tired. And it’s a lot easier to zone out and yawn really loudly and for a long time when you’re not the one leading worship. I noted that there’s something energizing or I would say more accurately – Holy Spirit infusing – about leading worship. Sometimes it’s hard to go from closing your eyes during the prayer to focus in on what’s being said. Then I began to wonder to myself about how the folks in the congregation feel? After a few moments I arrived at the conclusion, that a lot of it had to do with me. If you are an active participant in worship – singing, listening to the words of the prayers, paying attention to the children’s sermon – than you’ll get a heck of a lot more out of it.
When I calmed down in my own skin for a minute and actually tuned in to the word God was speaking, I was able to realize that somewhere along the way, the music had stopped and I indeed needed to click the “I’m Still Listening” button. As pastors or those that work in the church, how often are we tuned into the word God would have us share with our congregations, but we’re not quite as open, when we’re not the ones in charge, doing the feeding, and being open to the ways that word will be revealed to us?
I don’t know about you but I feel like there are times when we have been coasting and cruising and we’re doing the appropriate motions and the right spots, but our movements aren’t connecting with our brains. Things are going pretty okay, but if we tuned ourselves in just a bit more to the music flowing all around us, things would be going pretty fantastic…or at least more in tune. Once I got my head and my heart communicating and opening up, I heard a great, convicting, challenging, and well-thought out sermon that was a confirmation that I needed to wake up and do some listening. Isn’t it funny that God brings those things that we need to hear? We just need to clean out our ears sometimes and sort through distractions to get to the place where we can feel and know the presence of God clearly and actively.
What are ways that we stay in tune to God’s music?
What are the things that get in the way and distract us?
What are ways that we can practice listening or centering?
I have no idea who said this but I know I didn’t make it up myself. Someone told me once that we all have a sermon and each Sunday we just preach it a lot of different ways. I’ve thought about this for awhile, and I have found this idea intriguing. In discussion with Josh back and forth over sermons or with Mike back and forth over music, there’s a part of me that does believe that each of us is given this essence, this thing within us that’s just trying to get out and that’s our story. It’s our thing to share with the world. All of us are different. And that’s what makes it beautiful. We’re not competing over who has the best one or who has the loudest or most compelling, but we each have one to share. Each of us.
I think for me it’s this incarnational theology thing. I don’t even want to know how many sermons I talk about Emmanuel – God with us, that the Great God of the universe decided to come and be one of us, that God is with us in the midst. I know I must say in the midst all the time. I don’t know why this gels with me so much, but even if I’m not preaching about it – let’s say I’m talking about human trafficking or Ruth or the early church in Acts – whatever it is, somehow I end up back with this same uncontrollable and thirsty desire to talk to people about this Savior that wants to know them. Not in an arrogant, aren’t we humans so cool, kind of way, but in a I want to know you and I created you and I have this awesome and amazing journey for you to go on. Not saying that those are always easy stories – because there’s a lot of hurt and evil and junk out there, but a God that goes with us and that gets down in the mud and muck with us – that’s a God I can follow.
I could go down a list of what I think people’s sermons/songs/stories are. Is that weird? But can you think about it? The people around you – what is their thing? What is their essence? What is that thing that they point to?
Let me put in a musical perspective. I am not a musician. I am married to one and I love him and he says I don’t count anymore as a non-musician because I’ve heard him talk so much about it. Maybe that’s true. But I love music. Y’all know I love music. My mind thinks in songs which is why I should give money to youtube because I use their videos so much. So back to music – I digress – there’s this guy Stephen Oremus – arranger, orchestrator, musical director. Randomly in July 2005 Mike and I won tickets to Wicked, the musical on Broadway. (I know, I know, I can’t shut up about Broadway, but I like it. I really, really like it.) There’s was a guy conducting or whatever you would call that and he had the best time. He was laughing and smiling and enjoying it in an amazing way. Then here we are this past May and we won tickets to the Book of Mormon Musical and here’s this conductor smiling and so enthusiastic and really loving it and lo and behold – same guy. Stephen Oremus.
Now the guy doesn’t even have a wikipedia page, and I’m tempted to write it myself because I really enjoy what he does. He arranged the music for Avenue Q and Wicked and 9 to 5 and High Fidelity and All Shook Up and the Book of Mormon and as someone who at least loves and owns the soundtrack to three of those, I can hear similarities and musical themes that are common throughout and it’s so cool. It’s just good music and arrangement. As Mike and I were talking about this he talks about how sometimes musicians don’t want to have those themes throughout – you know just like in Project Runway when the girl had all the clothes with petals – you don’t want to be stuck on the one note. But then he changed his mind and said, maybe that’s this guy’s thing. Maybe that’s his gift, his essence – his thing to give.
I don’t know. Call me crazy. But I feel like all of us have that “thing” within us that’s waiting to burst out. That gift whether it be the timid girl who then starts belting out the notes in Sister Act or even the first time Billy Graham stepped behind a pulpit or the first time you do that thing that just makes you feel beyond any word like happy, but alive or content or at purpose.
What’s that thing you want to share with the whole world? What is it that you think they just have to know? How do you share it in your own unique, God-given way?
I get the fear and the doubt and the times you may not feel it and the times when you’re frustrated or annoyed or just plain old pooped. But what’s the story of your life?
Is my story – tired, frantic mother? Is my story – I’ll be glad to talk to you when I’m fully rested and in a good mood and with the right amount of caffeine? Is my story…
If you could tell someone in three sentences or less your greatest purpose or piece of advice or rule to live by or other cliched phrase. If you could share the very essence of who God created you to be with someone, what would that look like? Words? A picture? A song? A hug? A sweater?
Think about it. What’s your thing to share? Your gift to give? What’s your story? And how is it part of the greater story around us? How are we sharing it with the world?
I love this song. I actually love Michael W. Smith’s entire Trilogy on the I’ll Lead You Home album. I know, I know – old school Christian music. Don’t ask me how something titled Angels Unaware fits with this, but somehow I think we live our stories. We live who we are in the good, the bad, and the ugly. On the great days and on the dark days. Whether there are angels unaware or whether we’re right there in the presence of God – we’ve been created and life breathed into us and a story placed in our hearts and on our lives. We don’t always have to have it figured out or feel like we’re good enough, but God is faithful to us and we can trust God’s grace and mercy and never-ending love is available to each of us.
I honestly think of this song every time I say, what’s your story? Matthew West says it well in the Next Thing You Know.
So what’s your story about God’s glory? How are you letting your life speak to the world?
Just last week I was talking about the beautiful weather and now we’ve been in a week of rain. I was listening to Carole King’s “Beautiful” earlier and in it she talks about reflecting in how you look, how you feel on the inside. We know the research about how even when you’ve had a really cruddy day, there’s something about smiling, something about laughing, that can make a dark day seem a little brighter. Turn that frown upside down, if you will. If all of us reflect the love that we feel than what a world that would be. I don’t think that means we walk around like Stepford Wives or people smiling and fake all the time. Far from it. I hope that it means that in the midst of us being real, we realize how blessed we are and how thankful we should be, and that the joy inside that we feel will bubble out from us. If we are living as grace-filled people that have been given this new life, the very breath we breathe, than that should be reflected in the love and thanksgiving that we show the world. So on this very cloudy yucky day, may we be thankful for both the little things we sometimes take for granted (running water, flowers, food, clothing) and the big things (getting to go to school, opportunities to learn and grow, a gift of wisdom, thought, discourse, dialogue). Let’s rock it on from the inside to the outside and back again! Not fake it to make it, but let our guards down to let the laughter and smiles of our hearts flow.
Carole King’s, “Beautiful”
You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
Some beautiful smiling faces!
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You’re gonna find, yes, you will
That you’re beautiful as you feel
Waiting at the station with a workday wind a-blowing
I’ve got nothing to do but watch the passers-by
Mirrored in their faces I see frustration growing
And they don’t see it showing, why do I?
You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
Some smiling, silly faces!
You’re gonna find, yes, you will
That you’re beautiful as you feel
I have often asked myself the reason for THE sadness
In a world where tears are just a lullaby
If there’s any answer, maybe love can end the madness
Maybe not, oh, but we can only try
You’ve got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You’re gonna find, yes, you will
That you’re beautiful as you feel
It’s that time in the semester when the students are getting really stressed out. Have you ever wondered why they phrase is stressed “out” and not stressed “in”? Yes if the stress starts leaking everywhere, it’s eventually going to come out, but there’s so much inward affect that stress has on us. Facing challenging, difficult, and overwhelming situations from every direction can take a huge toll on a person and as the “prayer” section of Winthrop Wesley’s prayers and praises notebook seems to heartily begin to outweigh the praises you know people are starting to feel down and discouraged.
Around this midterm time it can feel like when it rains it pours. It seems that when things begin to get hard, the difficulty sometimes can grow exponentially. A couple weeks ago, we looked at Deuteronomy 30:15-20 and I feel like some of the themes in that text are cropping up all over the place. God clearly lays out two courses – two ways in which life can go and God asks for us to “Choose life.”
Choose life even when things seem out of control or insurmountable. Choose life even when there’s no way things could in a million years work out. Choose life even when by all logic in this world there aren’t easy or clear answers. A pastor colleague of mine who frequently amuses and challenges me with his facebook statuses, posted this earlier today, “I watched some news this evening. I watched FOX, MSNBC and CNN. The message I got? We’re doomed. There is no hope. Pack up your kids and head to the hills. Empty your bank account and hide your money under the mattress. Stock up your shelves. Be afraid, very afraid. And Justin Beiber made the cover of Rolling Stone. Yep, the world is coming to an end!”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or crawl under the bed myself. I admit that I have caught a little “Bieber fever” in that I enjoyed his Glee episode and some of the songs are quite annoyingly catchy, but I’m not watching the movie. That’s neither here nor there. His status was another reminder of very much what the world gives us. We’re doomed. There is no hope. It’s like one of the Charlotte local news networks that Mike and I refuse to watch because the guy always seems so happy when something really awful has happened and he gets to report on it. I know you’ve got to sell the news but do you have to be so gleeful about an awful car accident or shooting or fire?
There’s a lot in our world that says yep, we’re doomed. It actually would be a lot easier to say that in a lot of ways. You don’t really have to work to bring about change and transformation when the world tells you it’s a waste of time. What’s the point?
But is that the way of faith? Is that the way of the cross? Or more significantly – the way of an Easter – resurrection people? Is that the follow up of the verse – “Choose life so that you and our descendants may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and holding fast to him; for that means life to you and length of days, so that you may live in the land that the Lords swore to give your ancestors to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.” It’s not just choose life. It’s not just choose to believe in the bright side, the cup half full, the silver lining. It’s not just reject the negativity that we all know is contagious, the complaining and criticism that does harm and not a bit of good, the spiraling of fear and angst that has no end. It’s choose life that you may live – loving God, obeying God, and holding fast to God even when all may seem lost or today feels about as cruddy as it can get. It very clearly reminds us that Jesus said he came to bring us abundant li
What does the word abundance conjure up for you? Abundance is enough for everyone. It’s more than enough. It’s awesome. It’s bountiful. A bountiful life.
Is it hard to believe this sometimes? Yes. Heck yes. We got word on Friday that Mike’s 2 year old cousin, Lachlan, who was born with some heart defects and has already experienced heart surgeries, now has a brain tumor. The neurosurgeon would like to operate and the family is meeting with the cardiologist this Friday for approval of the surgery. I can’t imagine what Leslie and Cullen are going through in these days as they await these appointments. There aren’t any words or platitudes or anything that can sermonize that or make it go away and be all right.
There’s that choosing though even in the midst. And sometimes we can’t make the choice on our own. Sometimes it takes a community of faith, a family of strength, a body of believers united in hope to help us continue to choose life. There are good days and there are bad. Sometimes it means that we need to cut out some of the negative – whether a toxic situation, person, or past hurt or wound that we haven’t given to God. Sometimes it’s not letting our fears or our worries rob us of the joy of today. We have to make the conscious choice to step away, turn off the news sometime or change the channel of our hearts and life. There are days when I know and feel and rest in the promises of God for the life that each of us is given and there are days when I get on Wikipedia and start the worry spin cycle of why’s and what if’s and let me tell you – that path leads nowhere good, productive, or very positive. That’s where that holding fast to God comes in. Holding fast to that peace that transcends all understanding, holding fast to the hope and strength that only God can give, and holding fast to someone that can give us more comfort and love than anyone else. We will hold fast to the promises of God.
I’m not saying that we all walk around as Pollyanna’s because life is real and it hurts and it really is scary sometimes. The key is going back to the Source of life – to the Creator that knows our hurts and the things that keep us up at night and even the things that we don’t want to say outloud. May we in the coming days and weeks and times of uncertainty or chaos or stressed out to the max, find ways to ground ourselves in the power of the One who ignites, breathes and drenches us in new life and hope each and every day.
How will you choose life today?
Yes this is beyond cheesy in some ways and pretty old, but definitely goes with the text – Big Tent Revival’s “Choose Life”:
I bought some CD’s for Mike for Christmas that I thought would be good for worship. Some were definitely better than others and I was hugely and pleasantly surprised that Jars of Clay’s new album – “The Shelter” is chock full of great music. There hasn’t been a CD in a long time that I’ve listened to with such interest and have felt so moved by. One of the quotes on the album says, “It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.”
It is in the shelter of each other that the people live. Wow. I like those words.
It’s less than a week before students are back. That is a scary, scary thing with so much to be planned and prepared and geared up for. In thinking about this semester though, part of me just wants to claim those words. It is in the shelter of each other that the people live. What does it mean to be church? What does it mean to be in community with one another?
I think about students and the many walks of life they come from and all of the journeying they do during these young adult years and as much as it sounds all feel good and Oprah-y to talk in glowing terms about community all the time, I know it is hard. It’s hard to be in relationship with people that don’t look like you or think like you or vote like you or think the wrong things are funny or don’t want to laugh at your same jokes. But who wants a boring homogenous group? Well, deep down, a lot of people probably do. It’s a lot easier that way.
But how is that the kingdom of God? I hope I’m not surrounded by just a group of snarky white girls in heaven. Lord have mercy on all of us. When I think about campus ministry and the coming semester, I want to see us grow not just in size or number although that would be great. I’d like to see us grow in our love for one another. And not just for one another but for the people that don’t look, act, or sometimes even smell like us.
My prayer is that we get past the quick, hollow greetings and dig into the relationships. That in the midst of the busyness of college life that we can provide a shelter for one another. That’s one of those things I can’t do all by myself. That’s the cool thing about the Christian walk. You can’t do it all by yourself. At some point you have to enter into the chaos and the messyness that is relationship.
It is the shelter of each other that the people live.
Here Dan Haseltine introduces The Shelter…
Here’s them playing the song in the recording studio…
Here’s a version with the words…
I know that I need the shelter of each of you and I thank God for this community that walks with me each step of the way. May we each find and cling to our shelter.
Affliction is such a yuck word. Don’t you think? Affliction. Doesn’t sound good at all? I just googled it and did you know there’s an Affliction clothing line? Why in the world would you want “Affliction” clothing?
The Upper Room this morning was on 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. It begins with, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God.”
I wrote about the race earlier and about perseverance and some of our afflictions sure do take some perseverance. This is the first week of school at Winthrop and could arguably be one of our busiest weeks of the year. We’ve been doing our thing here at Wesley and things are going pretty well – it’s great meeting new people and love, love, love connecting and catching up with our returning Wesley folks!
But this is tiring….and draining….and so many more depleting adjectives. It doesn’t seem like it’s just student life, but everywhere it seems that folks are tired right about now as we all get into the swing of a school year.
I admit that at times I am frustrated – I can’t remember things I used to. I am really tired and the typical adrenaline boost is not kicking in. I just can’t gear up for this right now – the energy reserves are not there. I also finally got the letter scheduling the next MRI and surgeon’s appointment – September 14th MRI and September 15th the brain surgeon.
I’d like to think that I can do this normal welcome back wohoo wesley thing no problem and the same as always, but if I’m honest with myself – it’s not the same. I can’t run around like a crazy person and not feel those affects. Humbling. Frustrating. Frightening. Freeing?
We get so caught up in a numbers game – so caught up in how much can we produce? Who is coming to Wesley? How many? Who showed up for church on Sunday? How much money is our company making? What did we do today? There’s such a focus on numbers and what we do that we forget to just be and that we don’t have to do it all. I write that, but do I mean that? Josh and I were talking about numbers and church/Wesley/what is the crazy thing called ministry stuff this week and I know that when pastors say we shouldn’t focus on the numbers, that can sometimes mean they’re just using that as a justification for the size of the body of folks that they work with. But sometimes I really do question numbers…is that all that there is to say that you’re doing something? Do we get so caught up in proving that something is happening at our churches or in our classes or in our workplaces or in our lives that we miss the blessings and consolations that God gives us along the way? Or do we miss being those blessings and consolations to others because we’re more concerned about the to-do lists and keeping up with “that” family or company or church or whatever?
I wonder what would happen if we didn’t just feel frustrated by some of these things that seem to limit us or tie us down but we could flip that and feel the freedom from the endless search for perfection and the chance to claim even our inabilities, sufferings, and crud for the grace and strength of God? I can believe that at the beginning of the day reading the Upper Room. It’s harder to believe at the end of a day wondering where it all went and how the list never gets shorter.
Maybe we just need to give ourselves a break…
U2′s “Walk On” is on my itunes dj right now. Maybe that’s what we do from all the things that can weigh us down – we walk on. Some of our afflictions may go with us, but we can trust that God is with us and we walk on.
“Leave it behind
You’ve got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme…”
I don’t really know how to begin this blog. It’s been a long weekend. While I was at the doctor on Wednesday we realized I have a sinus infection and Mike and I have been battling those all weekend so I know that has something to do with it. It’s been exhausting and for some reason on Friday everything just kind of hit me, that 4 weeks from that day I randomly had a seizure and they then the next morning found this brain tumor and two weeks from that day I had that brain tumor mostly removed and on Wednesday I found out it was a type 2, not a type 1 or a 3 or 4 and I will wait for 3 months and will get another MRI and will get to wait I’m sure several days after that to see what the deal is.
I’ve been asked about getting second opinions and so many of my much beloved Emory people have offered medical expertise and I am full of gratitude for that. I think it was Friday though when it hit me that all this really has happened and this is not a bad dream and this is my new reality. I kind of hate the phrase at this point “new normal.” A large part of me wants to scream the heck with the “new normal.” I don’t want to find it. I don’t want to have to find it. I don’t want any of this happening period.
I know that there are very many people that have this worse off than I do. It could have been a type 3 or 4 malignant. I’m not even going to name all of the worse things that could be happening right now, and I know that and feel the pain of that. But I also have to acknowledge that for me this sucks. For a known and self-identified control freak, not being able to drive anywhere when I get carsick all the time, not having any control over this line of tumor still in my brain, not being able to do anything about it (yes I know I can get a second opinion and I can choose my attitude and I can be thankful, but that’s not how I always feel), not having the energy to clean up the house much less care that it’s a mess….it really just stinks.
So I battled this funk all weekend. I read three books over the weekend – two ended sadly and praise God the one I read yesterday ended well. We watched Carolina make it into the College World Series which is tremendous. I spent the weekend playing with the kids and we ate good food, relaxed and I’m as always thankful for the help of my mom and Mike in keeping things together right now. On Sunday morning I had absolutely no desire to go to church. No I didn’t pull the I’m going to go to Bedside UMC this morning or Boxsprings Baptist, but I didn’t really want to go. But you know that’s what happens on Sundays…Mike goes to church and on the rare chance that I’m not preaching I get to listen to someone bring the Word. So Mom and I got the kiddos dressed and ready for church and off we went.
All morning I had been on the verge of tears and when we went into Bethel the first hymn was “O How He Loves You and Me” from the Faith We Sing 2108. That was it. I ended up having to go downstairs because I was pretty much hyperventilating crying. It’s a simple song…”O how he loves you and me! O how he loves you and me! He gave his life. What more could he give? O how he loves you; O how he loves me; O how he loves you and me.” I wasn’t upset because I didn’t believe the words. I was upset because I do believe the words. I know God loves me but that doesn’t completely change how devastating some of this is. We can feel and know God’s love and there is hope there, but sometimes all we feel is despair at all of the what if’s and could have been’s and it isn’t easy to keep on singing and praising when you’re just not there.
By the time I got it together Josh was on to the children’s sermon and then the choir played a song that Patti had learned at a UMW retreat. It’s also out of the Faith We Sing 2218 called “You are Mine.” Here are the words:
I will come to you in slence, I will lift you from all your fear. You will hear my voice, I claim you as my choice, be still and know that I am here.
I am hope for all who are hopeless, I am eyes for all who long to see. In the shadows of the night, I will be your light, come and rest in me.
Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.
I am strength for all the despairing, healing for the ones who dwell in shame. All the blind will see, the lame will all run free, and all will know my name.
I am the Word that leads all to freedom, I am the peace the world cannt give. I will call your name, embracing all your pain, stand up, now walk, and live!
Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.
I kept crying but that at least got me to the sermon which was great and much needed as well. All day I just kept struggling with this. And I finally just let it out during Phineas and Ferb and told Mom and Mike the things that I’m frustrated with and afraid of and just sick of. I don’t want to bottle this up and it keep giving me nightmares and I don’t want to take it out on my children or family, but it’s all so much sometimes that everything spills over.
Somehow though after saying it out loud to them and after eating some Fruitloops and watching the daytime Emmy’s I felt better. Last night was one of the first nights I didn’t have a nightmare and for that I am thankful. Is every day going to be easy? No. Does life sometimes really completely stink? Yes. Are there sometimes in our lives when tears of desperation are all that we can muster? Sure. Is there One who still loves us and holds us and wants the best for us even in the midst? Heck Yeah. Is that hard to handle sometimes? I think so.
I can’t help hearing that refrain from the hymn – “Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.” I guess sometimes there are things that we just have to cling to in the midst.
The kids were watching an Anne of Green Gables cartoon on PBS yesterday and I LOVE Anne of Green Gables. It was a lot of fun watching it with them and I love that Kevin Sullivan produced both the Anne that I grew up with and this new animated series. She always had a way with words saying things like not just feeling sad but being in the “depths of despair.” Funny girl. Maybe sometimes we are in the depths of despair. And that’s real. It’s not always faith, praise, and strength. Who in the heck is like that all the time? We are real people with real crud that happens and sometimes that’s not beautiful or picture perfect. There are questions. There are fears. There is struggle. I’m glad we don’t have to always have the answers and I’m glad that we don’t have to stay in the depths. May God give each of us the strength and the tenacity and the courage and the hope to keep keeping on but may we also be thankful that we can come battered and bruised and confused and despondent and that’s okay too.
There’s a song I listened to a lot as a gangly too tall teenager facing typical mean girl stuff – nothing out of the ordinary, but you know how it goes. The song is by Twila Paris and it’s called “The Warrior is a Child.” May we each know that there’s a home to run to and that it’s okay to struggle with picking up the pieces.
Hi y’all! So as always there are highs and lows in a day. (Can’t decide whether watching The Bachelorette right now is a high or a low…much better on fast forward to the decent parts.) Mike and I dropped off the CD of the previous MRI/CT Scan at the neurosurgeon’s, I got a quick lesson on all this brain stuff from a wonderful Emory friend, and our GPS got us to Carolinas Medical Center. I’ve never been to the real one – just having babies at the one in Pinevile.
We parked way far away because we had no clue where to go but we finally figured it out and it made for a beautiful day to walk. Filled out some more forms and then got to talk to the anesthesologist and a nurse. I’ll get to the hospital at 11:15 am and they’ll take all of us up to the 5th floor and get them settled in the waiting room, will bring me in, I’ll get to see everyone one last time, and then we’ll begin. They’ve blocked out the room for up to three hours. I should be in the neurointensive care for at least one night and then in the hospital 3-5 days. Okay. There we go. So then giving a couple more tubes of blood, we were back in the sunshine.
Time to hit up Rock Bottom Brewery. Completely randomly they sat us in the same booth that we were in over 9 years ago when we talked to Mike’s parents about us getting engaged and began wedding planning with them. Oh, ironic. In the midst of this I get a phone call and it’s not a number I recognize and let me tell you – we are screening some calls these days. So Mike answers “Narcie’s phone, Mike speaking” and I think okay he’ll probably be on there for a while but quickly he hands it over to me and whispers “OB-Gyn.” I’m thinking what in the heck do they want at this point? And the very nice lady says, Mrs. Jeter you haven’t scheduled your annual appointment yet. I know I probably should have just penciled it in to the looming calendar that I had in my pocketbook but I couldn’t help myself and said – welp, I was told a week ago I have a brain tumor and they’re operating on it on Friday and I don’t think I’ll be getting to that appointment any time soon. LOL. We both had a good laugh. She said to call back any time. It’s important – keep in good health people – but not in the scheme of things right now.
I didn’t realize until today being in there that my life is going to change for awhile. I mean I’ve had that realization in pieces over the past week and a half but Mike and I also decided at a certain point that I needed to live my life as normally as possible. In the midst of that though I’m now thinking oh wow what do I need to do before Friday? We went and bought some books and some toys for Enoch and Evy for the days to come. I got to play with the kiddos in the bath tonight and put both of them to bed. Mike asked the nurse today if when I come back home, I can really come back home. In other words – in our world here there is no rest, Mommy napping, etc. There is Silly 1 and Silly 2 – my two wild and crazy E’s. She said we’ll have to ask the doctor. Should be interesting.
Tomorrow Enoch will go back to school, Evy will have our 16 month check up, and I’ll do some work at Wesley for one of the last times before Friday. Then we’ll head to MRI land and will see what Presbyterian Hospital looks like. This has been a sort of weird medical scavenger hunt.
Earlier I posted one of my favorite Laura Story songs. I actually like most of her new CD – great stuff! One of my all time favorites of hers though was when she was with Silers Bald and it’s called “Grace.” Glad that we can start each morning with mercies anew and grace afresh! Check it out…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FribXzqHVE
RT @bobgoff: We never really fall from God's grace; when we trip,we usually just stumble into more of it. @lovedoes1 week ago
RT @DamonLindelof: There should be a dance move called the Cumber Patch that's exactly like the Cabbage Patch except more British and menac… 1 week ago
@megaug oh no! It will still be beautiful on the shelf. 1 week ago
Maybe the Gamecocks will play some great baseball against the Bulldogs this weekend! #gococks1 week ago
RT @DCAtGCKCentral: Very sore, less optimistic than yesterday about playing tonight. Will dress. RT @brown_barry
What is the word on LB for… 1 week ago
