I spent this past week with 30+ students from Gator Wesley touring around the state of Florida doing our Spring Tour – singing, dancing, rocking out, reading scripture and so much more.  There’s a song that they sing in one of the sets (and I love the mash up that they do) called “Set a Fire” by United Pursuit Band and one of the lines says, “There’s no place I’d rather be…but here in Your love…”  I’ve felt that from each of you.

Campus ministry is this crazy special place where things intersect – struggles, fears, hopes, dreams, silly Vine videos, lots of laughter, and experiences that both challenge and inspire. The students this week have inspired the heck out of me.  I’ve been ministered to in their music and their passion and their faith, and even more than that in their zest for life!  There weren’t many stops during this tour where I didn’t feel moved in some way and though I couldn’t figure out how to share that with them without becoming a blubbering hot mess, I want to let them know how special this week was for me.  Even the trampolines.  And the cold water of the spring when knocked off a raft.

Two of the songs that they’ve been singing are two favorites of mine that I’ve been holding dear over the past few weeks.  They didn’t know that when they picked the songs how much they have been resonating with me and yet again, I know that God is weaving all of this together in mighty ways.  The first is Meredith Andrews’ “Not for a Moment.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoh26pC2RT8

And the second is by an amazing band that we hosted here at Gator Wesley called Bellarive.  It’s their song, “Taste of Eternity.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uAqdtzo4F8

These have been the songs of my heart.  Worship taps into a place that breaks down the barriers that we place.  It digs in between the walls that we’ve built to protect ourselves and the layers of stress and muck that this world provides.  May the scales on our hearts and our eyes be removed that we may see God more clearly and know God more fully, as God draws us to God’s self.  I know that no matter what happens today, I know that I am God’s and God is ever in the midst working things together for good.

Y’all have humbled me speechless with all of your texts, facebook messages, tweets, and cards and I hope that each of you feels the love, hugs, fist pumps, and high fives that we have for you!  Thanks for being on this journey with me.

Much love!

Cheers to a new haircut!

Grace and Peace,

Narcie

Lord knows why it took me so long and why I went into survival, defuse the situation, and keep bouncing along mode except for the fact that I just really don’t want to deal with this.  I really don’t want to think about surgery again.  I really don’t want to show the kids the scar from the last time and let them know this is all going to be okay.  I really don’t want to feel so freaking ticked off and frustrated and distracted and weepy.  Weepy.  And not in a nice, cute crying way, but watching old episodes of Dawson’s Creek and crying like a nutcase.

I don’t really know how to make this feeling go away so besides the Dawson’s Creek marathon which is strangely always comforting (nutcase, I told you), I’m trying to blog it out.  Maybe if I articulate whatever this is…since I don’t really have a punching bag and I probably shouldn’t throw things against the wall so late at night.

I don’t actually know what I want.

I don’t know if there’s an answer.

I don’t even know if there’s a question.

Things I know:  I love my family.  I trust God.  I know there are many, many people praying.  I appreciate that greatly.  I love what I do – all of it – silly, serious, and in between.  I am tired.  I am worried.  I am scared.  I am loved and cherished by an amazing man who is more than I ever deserve or imagined.  I have done this before and I know all will be fine and it’s a great doctor and facility.  I can’t decide if this is a big deal or not a big deal or if it’s just normal, which is weird and not quite right.  I’m already wondering about the next surgery or what will happen…  I have the two silliest, sweetest, most unique and precious and precocious children imaginable and I swing between the hope that they may never know anything about this because I wish I could control things and realizing that this isn’t just my story but our story.  I realize that there are a heck of a lot of people dealing with things more awful and challenging and I sometimes feel whiny and weak for even articulating this.

And yet.  When I start typing and I stop feeling the waves of anger for a bit and I stop crying along to “I Don’t Wanna Wait” like a sad sack, I know that God is carrying me and holding me each step of the way, which ironically in some ways makes me cry more.  And for the record, I’m not writing that as a pastor and I don’t care a hill of beans if anyone reads this, but it’s just good to feel and know that.  Even as silly as that may seem to some.

Thanks for being on this journey.  Thanks for praying.  Even if I don’t always answer the emails, comments, facebooks, fast enough or at all, know that I appreciate them and I read them.  They help that “held” feeling when it’s denial, anger, sadness, and yuck city.  Love you all.  Especially my crazy WNWers that would let me share my Dawson’s obsession.  And if any of you reading this make fun of me for my silly, trashy, and immature tv watching….you’re going to get it.  (I kid.  Mostly.)

***I also realize that I write plenty of run-on, stream of consciousness sentences, and I, nor the English major inside of me, actually cares.  So ha!

Surgery will be on May 10th and pre-op on May 3rd.

Thanks for y’all’s prayers, your comments on the blog, your comments on facebook and all of the messages!  Much love to each of you.

All of us greatly appreciate it.  As I know more, I’ll let you know.  As I process more, I’ll try to post.  The in between time makes this a bit surreal but I know that God is with us.  I know there are quotes out there like “Never trust quotes posted on the internet” – Abraham Lincoln, and I don’t know if this one is completely true or not, but as my uncle Carlee would quote John Wesley saying, “The best of all is, God is with us.”

For those of you that read the blog (or at least when I used to write regularly) you know this is something I talk about A LOT.  Probably annoyingly so at times.  It’s the thing that I’m most passionate about.  The thing that I believe is integral to the body of Christ and to any semblance or form of Christian life.  You just can’t get around it.  But for some reason, in this move and transition which was months ago at this point, I’ve pulled back a little from it.  I don’t know if it’s new places, new people, new community building, or the grief and loss or change of old close community, but there’s something that is raw inside me around this concept.

I then start to think about student and campus ministry life and how hard it is to transition in from high school community to college community and then transition from college community to being out in the wide, wide world.  I also think about how hard it is to transition from friend groups and single life to married life and professional life and all these in between times and the things that work out and don’t and how so many, random things affect how we view community, who we think are part of our “tribe,” and what we need from community.  It’s not all about what we get out of it and it’s not all about what we put into it, but it seems to be this dance of times and places and seasons.

What are the things that hold us back from real community?  Not pseudo surface-level stuff, but showing people the cracks and vulnerabilities.  I think it’s scary.  It’s unnerving.  We want to be stronger and more patient and more perfect on the outside than the swirl of gunk on the inside.  It gets messy.  It takes a lot of time and real sharing.  It sometimes makes us feel like we’re on display, left wide open or being dissected.  But are these some of the same things that hold us back from fully sharing with God?  Or fully sharing from the heart all aspects of our lives?

I know that not everyone is going to get along and gel 100% of the time.  I’m not talking about being bff’s with everyone you meet.  I’m not even talking about everyone “liking” each other even though I believe we’re all called to love each other and live in community together.  I do challenge us to pause and think before we speak.  I concede that sometimes our guard has to be let down to create those thin places where God can speak to us.  I hope and pray that the world doesn’t see how we fight, bicker and belittle each other, but how we love, support, uphold, and care for one another.

For me, the song that’s been holding me through this season is Phillip Phillips’ “Home.”  Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Mike and I of course called our parents.  I didn’t want to say anything about this before we knew anything, but needless to say, we’ve been pretty distracted this past week and because I try to be a reasonably transparent person, it was hard to preach on Palm Sunday or for either of us to function without a twinge of something always in the background.  My parents came to visit last night so that Mom could go with us to the appointment and Dad being the great MacMac that he is, could hang out with the kids this morning since they’re on spring break.

Three years have passed since the first surgery.  To review, my doctor in Charlotte removed what he could of the tumor but left a strip near the motor cortex of the brain.  The type of tumor I have is an oligodendroglioma and very thankfully it’s a grade II (low grade).  At the time, research and common practice said that you take a watch and wait perspective and treat symptoms.  Now, research says that you resect as much as you can of the tumor so that it does not increase in grade.  They will use computer guidance to make sure that they are as precise as possible in removing as much as they can of the tumor that remains.  All of the risks associated with brain surgery are still at play here (duh.), but even more than that, because this is on my motor cortex, there could be temporary weakness in my right arm, hand and face.  As he said, scenario A is much like the first surgery – I come in on Friday and have surgery, I go home on Sunday, and I go back to work on Wednesday (this is also because I’m a crazy person that likes to work – yes, I know).  Scenario B is I go into surgery on Friday, hopefully still leave on Sunday depending on some things, go back to work in two weeks, and then possibly do physical therapy and rehab for a month.  If removing as much of the tumor as possible gives me a higher means of this not turning into something worse, I’m willing to risk either scenario.  The doctor’s suggestion is to take the “earliest elective opportunity” to do the surgery.

I’ve decided to do the surgery in May – most likely either May 10th or May 17th.  What does this mean for our family?  The kids were 1 and just turning 3 when the first surgery happened so they thought Mommy was on a trip of some sort.  They’re 4 and 5 now so we’ll be handling things a little differently.  They’ll still be in school so that should help.  I am blessed with an incredible extended family….and in essence I consider y’all a part of that as well.  Mike has been an absolute rock in all of this and I can’t begin to thank him for living out the weight of our vows every day.  The irony of asking him today – do you want to have the surgery around our 11th anniversary (May 11th) or around your 34th birthday (May 16th)?  I know that God is with us and will provide – whether that’s within the surgery, recovery, sanity, financially or us trying to squeeze in two more days at Disney before June 6th when our passes expire =0).  I’m also looking at the beginning of May so that I can be present for all of the end of semester fun, but before things ramp back up for summer.  I didn’t plan on a surgery during my first year here in Gainesville, but I know that there’s an amazing staff, student leaders and board here and we’ll be good to go.  As always, I’m pretty open with questions – so if you have one, ask me.  I also tend to use the blog to process and answer things as I can. (Don’t be afraid.  I’m not “broken” or an invalid, and I’m still the same person.  Human as can be, but trying to figure it out….so ask, don’t just wonder.)

As soon as I get the actual date of the surgery, I’ll definitely post it and I will hugely appreciate all of your prayers!

So all that to say, I don’t have any big actual blog “reflection” tonight.  We just completed the Maundy Thursday service and I’m pretty spent at this point, which I guess is just about right with Good Friday coming tomorrow.  I am increasingly struck this Easter season that there’s no fast forward button between Palm Sunday with the Hosannas and Easter.  I also appreciated a song that my parent’s sent me when I told them this last week.  It’s Tenth Avenue North’s “Worn.”  Hope that during this Holy Week we are reminded of our redemption, peace and hope in Christ in the midst of the sometimes dark despair.

For those visual people out there that want to pray over an image….rock on.

“Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God.  Whenever I pray, I make requests for all of your with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now.  And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

It is a blessing to have fellow travelers on the journey.  I’m not just talking about mentors and colleagues but also students, friends, and the broader community of faith.  I look through facebook pictures and read statuses of friends and students who are living out what it means to be a disciple and who are living out kingdom work with little to no fan fare, and I feel myself echo the words of Philippians.  Every time I think of you, I give thanks to God for you.  I may not be the best person in the world at keeping in touch and maintaining connections, but I am grateful and ever embracing the real community that exists when life is shared in times and seasons and when we are connected by our common purpose of sharing the Good News of Christ.

As we walk through this Holy Week, may we remember that we don’t walk this path alone.  May we remember the suffering servant that humbly blazed a trail for us with his life, actions, witness, and power this week.  And may we continue knowing that God who began a good work within us, will continue this work – with God’s grace, strength, peace, sustenance, and light – until the day of his return.

This past week 24 people from Gator Wesley served with Pura Vida Ministries in San Jose, Costa Rica. The theme was “Abide” and focused on John 15:1-17. If you haven’t read this passage in a while, check it out. It has all sorts of nuggets of wisdom and good food for thought.

Verse 2 has particularly struck me saying, “He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit. Every branch that bears fruit he prunes to make it bear more fruit.” I don’t know about you but I’m not always a fan of people removing things or pruning when it doesn’t fit into my schedule or what I think is good for me. Some of the control freak in me wants to know the who’s, what’s, and why’s of pruning and all of the intricate details so that I can fully analyze the situation. Getting negative feedback or personal criticism isn’t something that makes us feel good. It often hurts. It can seem callous and cold or completely unmerited. It can also be our natural inclination to rationalize and push it to the side and not want to move forward. There are times when we need to shake it off and consider the source, but there are also times when people point out blind spots or things that we’ve been wrestling with and trying to name and figure out. This is still often uncomfortable and hurtful to hear out loud, but it also is a growing edge.

That’s the thing that I like about this passage. Jesus is not just randomly removing branches or tearing us down. Jesus isn’t haphazardly pruning a little bit here and a little bit there with no rhyme or reason. It’s not like when I try to cut Enoch’s hair thanking God that it’s curly enough that even if I completely mess up, it will be camouflaged enough that people won’t notice. Jesus removes and prunes so that we bear more fruit. It’s not pruning to criticize or punish or intentionally wound, it’s pruning to make us stronger and more reliant on him and his love.

To make sure that we know that this isn’t about us not being good enough, Jesus says in verse 3, “You have already been cleansed by the word that I have spoken to you.” The definition of cleansed is “To free from dirt, defilement, or guilt; purge or clean.” So it’s not about us measuring up to unreachable goals, it’s about abiding in the love of Christ so that we can be in tune enough with the Spirit that we can tell the difference between needed pruning and the roar of the world around us. It’s letting God lead us to a place where we make a home with God – leaning on God’s grace, truth, discernment and strength.

This pruning is so that God may be glorified and that we bear much fruit and become disciples (verse 8). Sometimes correction, facing consequences, and hearing a hard truth is for our own good and our own growth. We want our communities to grow and thrive and we want the world to recognize us as disciples of Christ. As we look at pruning others may we look to the rest of the passage as we “love one another as I (Jesus) have loved you” (verse 12). May we prayerfully speak in love and hear in love. May we surround ourselves with people that really know us and truly love us. A community that, “knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” May we also realize that Jesus is one of these friends that wants us to dwell and abide in him, to keep his commandments and draw joy from that, to love one another, and to realize that he has chosen us and continues to want the very best for us.

*The video is Jame Grace’s “You Lead.” I appreciate that it lifts up that no matter how much the world is pushing or pulling, we are led by God in this crazy journey called life.

I’ve generally been really good about reading the Upper Room daily devotional that gets sent to my email box in the morning.  I’ve also generally been okay at reading other religious/devotional/pastoral/thought-provoking materials or at the very least reading along with several small groups at Wesley so that I’m getting fed spiritually.  It took me until last night to realize, oh yeah, you haven’t even signed up for the Upper Room on your new email address.  I’ve been at this new job for close to five months and I’m just now realizing that I completely blanked on signing up for my daily devotional to be sent to my new inbox.

That’s pretty telling.

And I honestly didn’t even realize it.  It didn’t cross my mind until last night.

As we start new jobs, new projects, new paths and as we enter into a season that often looks a lot more like Black Friday with the rush, bustle, mayhem, and angst than the arrival of our Savior into the world, may we remember, may we know, may we connect, may we take time to explore this Advent season anew and afresh.

May God open our eyes to some of our disconnect.  May we realize when we’re drawing from the Source or when we’re just running on fumes.  May we see and know and feel God’s rhythm in our bones as we go about our day to day resting in God’s love, strength, patience and wisdom and not our own will, arrogance, or seeming energy.

I am grateful for a God who loves me even when I’m spinning my wheels.  I am grateful for the Spirit who leads and guides and gives us the nudges and awakening when we need it.  I am grateful for the inspiration of Christ to show us how we are to live, bringing God’s kingdom to earth.  

Just a couple things that have been speaking to me this morning:

This morning’s Upper Room Devotional: http://devotional.upperroom.org/devotionals/2012-11-30 – Very appropriately asking “Am I walking in the Lord’s light, and am I projecting that light into the world?”

Three songs that have stood out this morning – Brandon Heath’s “You Are My King,” Group 1 Crew’s “His Kind of Love,” and TobyMac’s “Get Back Up.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX5OqyBYKh4

Below is a letter from the family:

I am contacting you to request your immediate prayers from my family. As you know my wife (Nancy) and I have been serving in South Sudan.

Nancy was scheduled to return to the US last week because our first child is due in December. Nancy, however, went into labor last Saturday, October 20, 2012. The Medical Team in South Sudan knew a premature birth of this nature might exceed the capacity of their facilities, but they courageously worked to save the child’s life. The doctor initially treated Nancy with a medicine to stop/delay the contractions, but the labor continued. They also injected her with steroids hoping that (with time) the treatment would transfer from Nancy’s blood stream to the baby’s, in order to strengthen baby’s lungs. They hoped that the contractions would stop for 48 hours… but the labor continued. Given the circumstances, once the baby was born, the head doctor advised a medical evacuation out of South Sudan to a hospital with a neo-natal care unit.

During all of these events, Nancy and I felt the presence of God in every step of the birth and evacuation. A short-term Mission Team from Wisconsin arrived days earlier to our town in South Sudan with medical equipment from the US which was used for the first time during Nancy’s delivery. The head of the short-term Mission Team was a Pediatrician and his wife a nurse; they joined the hospital’s staff and worked tirelessly to care for Nancy and the baby. Dr. Jeff Perry, the hospital’s primary doctor, remained composed, attentive, thorough and optimistic throughout the entire procedure. While his wife, Elizabeth, drew from years of experience mothering nine children and her graduate degree in Public Health to coach Nancy during the labor. In addition, we were surrounded by the prayers of dozens of South Sudanese mothers and children who left their own hospital beds to stand at the entrance of our door to pray. Many believe this level of medical assistance is unheard of in a country which was recently identified on International Women’s Day as “the worst place in the world for a woman to give birth.”

When the child was born, the doctor’s assessed that a “CPAP Machine” (also known as a “Continuous Positive Airways Machine” was needed. They, however, did not own this expensive machine, so they used a device which was fashioned together months ago with plastic tubes, a cup of water and several small bands. This device was made “in the event” that a CPAP machine was ever needed. And it worked beautifully, absolutely beautifully. The Medical Team also used the only incubator in town to stabilize the baby.

After the child’s breathing steadied, a chain of colleagues from the Presbyterian Church USA, RECONCILE International, Yei’s Immigration Office(S. Sudan), Juba Immigration Office (S. Sudan), the United States Embassy in Kenya and several NGOs secured an air evacuation plane holding a nurse, a doctor, and all the medical equipment needed to care for our baby. They flew into Yei, landed on the dirt airstrip, fixed the incubator into a Land Cruiser, transferred the baby into their medical equipment and flew us to Nairobi, Kenya. Once we arrived in Nairobi, an ambulance met us on the runway and hurried us to Aga Khan Hospital where the child was admitted immediately into the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit (ICU). 

As you can imagine, the last few days have been quite challenging, but we are convinced that through this process the Lord has revealed the height and depth of God’s love through the hands of our South Sudanese, American and Kenyan sisters and brothers. We are happy to report baby continues to improve day by day. To God be the glory. The US Embassy in Nairobi has also informed us that according to their records, little “Jordan Eman Smith-Mather” is the first American born in the new country of South Sudan. (The 1st baby born from American-born parents).

To God be the glory for the life which has been given to our child and the hope which has been shared with us. I am receiving treatment for Malaria, but the doctors believe my condition will improve with rest and medication during the next few days. Nancy continues to make great strides in her recovery from labor and she continues to receive outstanding care. Lastly, the doctors of Aga Khan Hospital believe Jordan’s breathing will become more consistent and he will be released from the hospital soon. We are prayerful that he will continue to improve each day. We ask for your prayers for Jordan’s continued progress and our rest.

Please feel free to share this with anyone who will pray for Jordan and our family.

Thank you for your longtime friendship; I hope we can reconnect our lives and ministries once things settle down.

In God’s Grace,
Shelvis, Nancy & Jordan Smith-Mather

“Hey Narcie I hope you are doing well. I am sitting home tonight watching a special on 9/11. I’m not trying to question God but how did all those good people die that day? There are a lot of bad people in this world and they are still here. I know you aren’t suppose to question God. I just don’t understand and thought you could help me. Thanks for your time.”

My Response:
“I think God is big enough for all of our questions and that God welcomes those questions. Faith is faith, but it’s not blind faith where if you question – than you’re wrong or punished or unfaithful. We all have times of questioning God, especially whether God is good all the time or why terrible things happen or even just the mildly sucky things. I believe (and thankfully the United Methodist Church/Wesleyan theology believes) that God is good. God is a loving and just God and those two things can both be true. That when Adam and Eve made their choices in the garden and sin entered the world, that with that came free will and our choices for good and bad. That free will means that sometimes really evil people do terrible things – like crash planes into buildings or kidnap people, etc. It also means that all of creation is fallen as well – ie. earthquakes, tsunamis, etc. Remember that text where Jesus is on a boat in the storm, and he “rebukes” the wind and the waves? If you were in control of everything, you wouldn’t have to rebuke it, right? It’s not saying that God can’t do whatever God wants – God is God. All powerful, all knowing, all present. God can paint the sky purple with green stripes if God wants. But it does to me mean that God doesn’t directly cause everything to happen. God is not some puppet master. God let’s us make choices and the people around us make choices, and consequences arise from those choices.

That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t work good out of the situations – because God does work things together for good. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t care. Because God cares intimately about all of us. God wants to love and be in relationship with every single one of us. God hurt with those people. God hurts with the families still grieving. God is present with us in all the good, the bad, and the ugly.

That also doesn’t mean that God’s turning a blind eye and just set this thing in motion and then walked away. Now – I do wonder why God “allows” some things to happen and others not to. Or why it seems that God answers some prayers or miracles happen in some places, but not others. But I also know that we don’t always understand everything and that what we think are answers aren’t always…as well that consequences are consequences, even if it’s something we had nothing to do with. Yes, it’s not fair and yes, it sucks sometimes. And I think it’s fine if we say that. God knows that we feel that way. It’s not like we’re fooling God. God knows what we’re thinking and our hearts. And it’s not like people go around cheering saying, “Heck yes, I have cancer!” or “Isn’t it awesome that God made my husband cheat on me.” But we do wonder, why these things happen and how all of this works. We wonder about order and control and what all of it means. What I know for sure and for certain, our God is a God who loves us. God wants to know us. God doesn’t cause hurtful things to happen, but God walks with us and gives us encouragement and strength and grace and peace and perseverance in the midst of it all.

And the most beautiful thing for me – is that good does continue to win. Good does continue to conquer. And it happens all the time. Maybe not in ways that we want or expect, but eventually, sooner or later – God wins. Evil is defeated. Whether in this life or the next – evil is no more. And that’s pretty freakin awesome. When I go on trips or hear people’s stories and I see people who have had absolutely no reason to believe in God because they’ve had a cruddy time of it and yet they continue to persevere and believe – it’s amazing to me. I think that’s awesome. It’s a witness to us all. I also though think it’s awesome that we have a God that wants to know us and welcomes us as we are – whether angry, sad, questioning, frustrated or anything else. We each have adversity to deal with, some of us more visible than others, but we keep pushing through trusting in grace and love – even when we doubt the heck out of it.

Hope that makes sense. Prayers as we all wrestle with this today and in all that we do.”

What do you think? How would you answer the question?