Renew, Restore, Uphold

As we continue through our Lenten journey, looking towards Holy Week – these verses are a challenge, a promise and a prayer. “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. . . . Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.” – Psalm 51:10, 12

The sentences above was my facebook status this morning.  The passage came from the online Upper Room readings this morning.  I don’t know about you, but I needed to hear them.  It is so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of life and all of the things that “have” to get done, that at least for me, the things that I treasure sometimes get pushed aside.  There’s only so long that we can spin like tops like in Inception without completely stopping and getting skewed.  

I think some of us see God as the One that keeps the top spinning.  We see God as the strength to get us through the next thing and the next and the next.  This time of year when there’s just a month left in the semester, in many ways I cling to that image of God giving us the strength, perseverance, and grace to keep moving and going and completing the things that we need to complete and remembering the things we need to remember.  

For some of us, it’s harder to see God as the One that sometimes is this one to stop the top mid-spin.  If you’re in the middle of dancing to a good song or jamming in your car, you don’t want the song to suddenly go off either by someone changing the channel or an emergency test or you arriving at your location.  Sometimes though it takes this sometimes awkward pause to wake us up to realize that we’ve been running on our own steam and in our own self-centeredness and self-involvement and that we haven’t connected to the One who sustains us in awhile.

It’s not that we haven’t been doing what we need to do.  It’s not that I haven’t gone to worship or small group or done the “minister” stuff, but no matter how long the to do list is and no matter how many directions our minds are pulled in whether in worry or day dreaming or whatever, sometimes we need to press the pause button and reconnect with the One who is providing us with the music.

My prayer for myself and each of us is that if we’re speeding through this Lenten journey and we’re thinking we’re in the home stretch, that we’re just as attentive now to God’s leading as we were when we started this journey on Ash Wednesday.  My hope is that we’re just as committed, disciplined and awakened to God’s joy and presence now as when we first believed.  May God speak to us in clear and powerful ways and may we have ears to listen and hearts ready to receive.  May our lives be renewed and restored, and may we trust that God will uphold us today, tomorrow and forevermore!

This is a true outside of Wesley where I've gotten to watch some persevering green silk worms slowly and surely make their way. May we fit into God's rhythm the same way.

Time for a Tune Up

I’m sitting at the car dealership where there’s a computer kiosk, right beside a vending machine selling 5 Hour Energy Drinks.  Really.  In a car dealership you need 5 hour energy drinks?  Maybe so.  I don’t know if you would like to drink one in a waiting room though.

My car has needed an oil change for the longest time.  It’s one of those new kinds that instead of looking at the lovely sticker that the last oil change put on your car saying what mile to bring it back on, it tells you you’ve got 15% oil life left, 10% and so on.  Let’s just say I’m way over after the 0% and when you do that it flashes at you at all times this little yellow wrench.  You would think that the little wrench would have been annoying enough that it would have spurred me on to take the car in.  Quite the contrary.  In some ways it was a fun game to see how long it would take me to notice.  Especially on a drive to Columbia, there were many miles that I didn’t notice and then out of the corner of my eye I would think, what is that thing flashing and lo and behold I would remember the wrench.

Yes, it would inspire some guilt and I would think gosh, I am really stinking at getting things done right now but then I would remind myself it’s the end of the semester, things are crazy, a break is coming.

I don’t know about you but it seems like that’s a habit in my life.  There are times when I push through the busy and just keep going well past the yellow light of the wrench blinking.  Last night I began praying before I went to sleep and in my mind I started saying the words to the blessing I often pray when sharing a meal with the students.  That’s not a good sign folks.  When what naturally comes out is just the pattern and is not so much the heart, that gives me pause.

But is it a pause that I will do something about?  I don’t know.

You see, I would like to think that if my prayer life or my family life or my work life or my scale of sanity had a blinking yellow wrench every time I woke up to show me that I need to get a tune up, I would actually do something about it.  I would right the wrong or at least make an intentional effort.  You would think this, right?

But then again, I have gone hundreds of miles with this blinking light and as much as I feel guilty when others drive my car or if someone sees the blinking light, it hasn’t forced me to remedy it.  I may know that it needs fixing, others may see that it needs fixing, but if I don’t make the choice to do something about it, than it languishes in it’s oil-less misery getting worse and worse with more and more damage.

I think there are seasons where we wonder, is this the time?  Is this when I should make the change?  Is this the moment to make some new habits?

And then – at least I – think, well it’s not New Years and it’s not my birthday and it’s not some milestone moment.  Am I really going to do whatever this Is at least 6-8 times to actually make it a habit?  Is this a good enough moment?  Is it a dire enough situation?

When I first talked to my neurosurgeon about the brain tumor, one of the perhaps idiotic things that I asked, was if taking my vitamins now and exercising now what make a difference.  I’m not saying those things would have made any difference in the grand scheme of things but I look back at the irony of that question, like – can I get a do over and actually do things “right” and that make everything better?

We don’t do things like take seriously our devotional and prayer life, be fully present with our kids and treasure our spouse, and try to live as an example of the love of Christ instead of just a harried, frustrated, tired person, just because it’s “right” or it’s going to be the cure all.  We do these things because they help to make as whole.  God doesn’t command things just for the heck of it or so that we can walk around with halos.  God commands things because God wants the best for us and wants to save us as much heartache and hurt as possible.  The Honda company doesn’t just have the wrench light up for no reason, but because it’s something that I need to deal with NOW and not 1,000 miles later.

So what are some things that we need  to take seriously?  Is our check engine light on?  Or is it just an oil change that is needed?  What are some areas that we see as things that need our attention?

The awesome thing is that we don’t do all the work by ourselves.  Just like, I’m not the one in the shop working on my car right now, I’m also not the one who has to try to “fix” my life all by myself.  It’s not even really about fixing.  It’s about being open to God and God’s leading and opening our eyes to our growing edges.  This is not because God loves us any less or that anything can separate us from the love of God, because we know that’s not true, but it’s so that we are firing on all cylinders and are ready for whatever life may throw at us.

Oh my all of these cars references are killing me.  One more though – let us this day, this Advent, not just waiting for New Year’s, let the Great Mechanic open us up and give us the tune up that we need.  Let us be open to that.  Let us be ready for that.  Let us take it seriously and be ready.  Even in the midst of the hustle and bustle, there are times when we need to take a breath and pause things for a bit so that we can continue on in the most full and abundant way that we can.

I turn the music up

I haven’t blogged in ages. It’s not that I haven’t thought about blogs or haven’t wanted to, I just haven’t. I think it’s the same thing that I feel about resolutions and reading the Upper Room email devotional in the morning – things that I want to do and crave to do and would feel better after doing, but for some reason I let the other more pressing things get in the way.

There are all sorts of things that demand our attention and it often feels like the things that would re-charge us or center us whether that be writing or reading or taking a walk or exercising or what have you – these are the things that we feel like need to take a back burner when we’re busy burning the candle at both ends and trying to keep our head above water.

I’m not good at treading water. To be even more honest, I’m a terrible swimmer. By the time we started taking swimming lessons, I was already in late elementary school and a pretty tall kid. If you can stand up in the 5 ft. deep end, swimming just doesn’t take on the same urgency it might would. The rest of my family can swim and in thinking about this (because I am that weird), I think I could survive for a little while lost at sea. I’m pretty good at floating on my back or doing like a frog stroke of some sort. If I’m treading water – I’ve got maybe 3 minutes, and I think even then, I’m being pretty generous.

Am I terrible at swimming, because I’ve seen no use for it yet? I just never got into it? I don’t feel a sense of urgency to do it?

Am I terrible at self care because I see no urgency in it? Because it’s not something to mark off the to do list?

Maybe if I added things like: Take a walk, write a poem (for fun not for serious), read a book in silence without interruption (yeah right), turn the music up and blast it, learn the dance to Thriller (finally), write down three things that you’re thankful for each day…maybe if I added some of these things to the to do list, they would actually happen and not just sound good in my head or me wistfully saying them out loud as a cop out.

What should you add to your to do list? What do you need to make time for? As a parent, as a teacher, as a preacher, as a student, as a leader, as a learner, as a philosopher, as a pragmatist, as a advocate, as a dreamer – what does your soul need today?

I’m listening to a little Coldplay “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall.” I don’t want “Monday morning to feel another life,” but like the authentic, passionate, continuation of following where God leads – the challenging, the joys, the wake up calls, the turning points, the ah ha moments, all apart of the waterfall that is our lives. We keep going with the strength of God. We keep grooving in the Spirit of God. We continue sharing love and grace in the joy of Jesus. And we re-charge, re-energize, re-new, re-store, re-fresh in the midst – taking the time to let the movement of Spirit work inside and out.

Held

This is the time in the semester that I am most craving time with my kids. We’re right in the middle of everything, gearing up for fall break and looking at a busy second half of the semester with…wait for it…nope, I’m not going to continue down the rabbit hole of the to do list right now.

There seems to be this innate need for contact between me and the kids. When I don’t have a Wesley gathering at night, you will find us either cuddled up on the floor of Evy’s room reading or in Mommy’s bed watching a movie or more often than not with these exhausting weeks, laying on the couch watching Peppa Pig or Backyardigans. Evy will be curled up beside me with Enoch curled up with his head on me and my arm on him. It’s a pretzel for sure, but one that it seems that we all need. As much as I can call or “face time” when I’m away or play with the kids or pick them up from school and do fun Mommy stuff with them, there’s nothing that seems to substitute for that physical touch.

Evy doesn’t want me reading a book or holding my phone, she wants me to hold her. It’s like it recharges her batteries and mine. That simple presence, that knowledge that you’re there and for that time you’re more than just priority, you’re the center of the universe.

At this time in the semester, students tend to be worn down with midterms and the changes of seasons and allergies and colds and it’s hard to balance it all. I’ve heard so many talk about feeling like God isn’t there like before or feels distant or like God’s forgotten them. I think each of us can relate to that feeling on different levels. There are those desert times or those times of disconnect or confusion or anger or that feeling of abandonment.

But then I think about Evy and Enoch. When I lay down and forget all of the other “things” on the list and I forget all of the worries of the world – I don’t care what I’m wearing or how we look or what’s happening around me, but I’m just focused on her and him. Their love and them knowing that I love them to the absolute moon and back means more than anything in this world. That’s when I feel the most attuned to them.

When are the times that we have felt held by God? In those times of feeling disconnected or lost or just tired of it all, have we taken the time to focus and center and try to reconnect – ask and receive, seek and find, knock and the door be opened? What are the things that hold us back?

Nothing separates us from the love of God. Nothing. Period. So why don’t we in the midst of the hectic or the monotonous, crawl up into the arms of God and settle in for a bit and open ourselves to the Word we will receive there? Let every worry or “but” go and just be and rest and know that our God loves you very much.

Some songs on this theme:

Time to Wake Up!

This morning Enoch slept late. On Mondays and Wednesdays he has speech at 8 am before going to preschool at 9 am so I let him sleep in until about 8:20 today before waking him up to get ready for preschool at 9. It always cracks me up to wake him up because for the most part, as soon as I open the door he’s bouncing out of bed ready to go. Now this is only when he’s slept late. If you’ve actually tried to get him up early, he’s like a walking zombie. But if you’ve let him sleep a little later and get that little bit of extra time to snuggle and stretch and enjoy life under the covers, he’s pretty ready to head out into the day.

There are few days these days that I have that extra time to sleep or snuggle into the covers mostly because Evy enjoys climbing onto the bed and jumping, snuggling, talking and pulling my eyelids up to have time to snuggle with me before it’s time to get going. 98% of the time I LOVE this and I wouldn’t trade a minute. There are 2% of times though where they’ve somehow gotten a flashlight and are shining that in my eyes to wake me up and I just am panicked and jolted out of sleep. On those days I don’t really start the day out fresh or ready to go, it feels like I’m just trying to survive to opening my eyes, getting some caffeine, getting kids dressed, and trying as much as I can to savor moments in between. Oh the life of working Mommy. Or any Mommy for that matter.

One of the verses from this morning’s Upper Room was one of my all time favorites, Matthew 11:28, “Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Maybe it says a great deal about my life and real priorities that this is a favorite. It definitely speaks to my tired self and mostly crazy hectic silly life. Although this verse speaks to me about the source of our Living Water, the one who nourishes us and provides us rest, I also think it sometimes give me a slight, tiny, little excuse to have a stressful schedule and not take very good care of myself because I have very strong faith in the God who is all sufficient. God is all sufficient and there for us in the ups and downs but that doesn’t mean we take advantage and get so caught up in the ho hum of doing life that we miss all of the joys and fun and amazingness along the way!

If I actually took time to be with God and dwell with God and got some sleep and didn’t schedule things like crazy and didn’t try to juggle all the balls in the air, I might find that my busyness is more about me and wanting to feel needed or wanting to measure up and other prideful and self-doubting things.

This morning on my lovely Pandora station, needtobreathe’s “Slumber” came on and boy I needed that. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense, but I think that sometimes the hectic routines of life seem much more like a “slumber” than actually grasping hold of life in real and transformative ways. I don’t want to be in the drone of routine and slumber, I want to experience and be open to change and to even be open to correction and accountability. I don’t want every Sunday or Monday or Thursday to look exactly the same or to be going through the motions of preaching, teaching, listening or being Mommy. I know that we do that. I know that it’s probably a magnificent coping mechanism and one that is super important when juggling, but are we going to be so zoned out that we realize we’re 6 weeks into the semester and we haven’t found our rhythm yet between work, church, family and anything in between?

It’s a challenge. Time to wake up? Or keep slumbering? Depending on God not just to provide but to also inspire, correct, and commit? Saying things out loud in sermons and studies or really putting them into practice for myself? Who does Christ call us to BE in this world, not just DO, not just pretend, not just negotiate, not just rationalize?

“Wake on up from your slumber, Come on open up your eyes”

Days they force you
Back under those covers
Lazy mornings they multiply
But glory’s waiting
Outside your window
So wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes

Tongues are violent
Personal and focused
Tough to beat with
Your steady mind
But hearts are stronger after broken
So wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes

All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes

Take from vandals
All you want now
But please don’t trade it in for life
Replace the feeble
With the fable
Wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes

All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes

Sing like we used to
Dance when you want to
Taste of the breakthrough
And open wide

All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes

Sing like we used to
And dance like you want to
Open up your eyes

Can you hold me together?

There’s a song right now on some Christian music stations by Royal Tailor called “Hold Me Together.”  I know some are not huge Christian music fans and I get that, but for me, it seems that if I’m open to it, I often hear exactly what I need to hear and music seems to speak to me in ways that can break through even when my guard is up to everything else.

This past weekend Winthrop Wesley took a trip to Florida for Disney’s Night of Joy concert series.  It was a great trip and I think the students all had a good time….but it was exhausting.  Like for real, seriously exhausting.  After working all day Friday, driving to Gainesville to spend the night at Gator Wesley took a pretty big toll on my energy level.  And then getting up at 6 this next morning to get ready to drive to Orlando was a lot.  In the midst of the hustle and bustle of Disney and rides and getting people where they needed to go and answering questions, I was pretty empty.

That night at the Magic Kingdom, Christian music was playing everywhere.  Even when the concerts weren’t playing, the music on the loud speakers everywhere you went was Christian music.  It may not have been everyone’s cup of tea and for those that don’t particularly love Christian music, it may have been pretty annoying, but for me – I really, really needed to hear it.  I was on the D for DONE side and it was nice to feel God’s presence even in the midst of walking through the youth-crowded park and pushing one of the students in a wheel chair.

On the way to and from the trip we didn’t listen to a ton of Christian music and it was very much top 40 kind of stuff, and I must admit that lately in my car, I haven’t listened to a ton of Christian music.  Sometimes I just get burnt out listening to the same things or I’m just tired of noise at the end of a long day, but how refreshing is it to know that we can be replenished when we need it in some of the least likely of ways if we’re just open to it?

If we stick both fingers in our ears and scream la, la, la at the top of our lungs and don’t want to hear or see or feel the power of God, we may just succeed, but if we ask, we’ll receive.  It may not come in the form we want and we may have those seasons of doubt or frustration or questions but it’s amazing to me how faithful God is when we let it happen.  I also believe that even when we la, la, la our heads off, that God continues to seek to be in relationship with us.  God continues to want to open our eyes to mercies anew each day.  Even when we’re tired.  And our energy is shot.  God seeks to hold us together and let us know that grace covers it all.  We don’t have to always live the picture perfect, black and white, cookie cutter image, but we just have to let it go, drop our pride at the door, and be fully open to the grace, power, and life-changing hope of Jesus.

That’s something I needed today and something I continue to long for.